Gotta go to work

It's been quite an adventure...job hunting that is. I never thought it would be so difficult to find a job. I've got a fucking engineering degree dammit. For a while I was actually worried about being able to land a job with an employer that's not retarded. For a while, I wasn't even sure of what I wanted to do with my life. I had all sorts of opportunities, but they weren't first choice.

I was offered a whole new company where I get to call all the shots. I was also offered a position by a competitor to start a division where I'm put in charge. Not very appealing. More responsibility = less sleep. Then I decided to become a full time insurance agent. It was the only fair equation I could see. And then my new employers called me for an interview. I went in for the interview at 8am, dazzled the interviewers with a whole load of smooth talk. By 11.30am I was hired at a salary which I demanded for.

Then I went for a holiday. And now I'm here, both excited and worried at the same time about my first day of work, which is tomorrow morning. I did the smooth talking at the interview, and now I gotta walk the talk. I'm finally an engineer. What that means, I still don't know, because I honestly do not know what it is I'm expected to do at my workplace. I mean, I vaguely know, but until I'm doing it, I really wouldn't know.

I enjoyed being jobless. My responsibilities were little...like washing toilet, washing my car, running errands for my mom, cleaning my room, making sure my bags are properly packed for my holiday...it was like total freedom. Only thing wrong with it is I'm broke. Yes, my ex-employers, be it a company or a pair of individuals, still owe me money. A lot of money.

I ate when I was hungry, I slept when I was sleepy, I played when I wanted to play...I just did whatever the hell I wanted to do, when I wanted to. There were no rules and no parents to nag at me. I think I got a little used to it. I could go on like this forever. But now I have to go to work. I gotta wake up early in the morning for 5 days a week and be at work by 8. Who the fuck works at 8 in the morning? I've been told that the company I work for practices pure bred Japanese workaholism. That means being at work by 8, but coming home way beyond office hours. Alright, I know a lot of you people out there work ridiculous hours. I'm just not excited to be part of it.

To all you fellas whom have been at my side supporting all this while, I just wanna say thank you. Ahhh dammit...gotta go to work...shit.

I'm jobless...and it feeeels so goooood!!

To be honest, I got fired.

My boss works out my resignation letter for me and says "you're leaving tomorrow". Technically, I can't be fired cos I'm one of "the bosses". So I sign on the dots without much argument. It was quite an exciting feeling. Imagine this...you're all stressed out worrying about all sorts of shit for the company and suddenly, you're relieved of it. That's how I felt...relieved.

Working my way up from a nobody to a "boss" to getting fired all within the same company. Yes, I've experienced it all. Really...how many of you reading this has experienced getting fired?

I got fired. Lol. Why? I don't know and it really doesn't matter to me. I'm having the time of my life right now being jobless. I've spent the last 10 days being in absolute peace. All that matters to me now is that I get my share of the profit as agreed.

So what did I do after becoming jobless? Sleeeeep! Lots of sleep! And then Dota and then sleep and then Dota and more sleep and more sleep. Well, I did go see some people about starting some businesses, all of which honestly doesn't interest me at all. There's good money in there, but I'm not about to become the dumbass to take the minority share and do all the work while the majority share holder just sleeps and waits for the profit. But that's the way it works isn't it? Your boss pays you a shitty salary, and you work your ass off to make him rich.

I guess I've just become lazy. I'm tired. I just want to rest. I just want to be unproductive and exhaust my savings. I want to take that 100 day holiday which I sadly can't. Because recession is here, inflation is a bitch and I ain't rich.

Gotta update that resume and start looking for a job. I'm not sure I'm ready to work for a lesser salary and for someone could perhaps be a dumbass. I've heard stories of incompetent bosses and colleagues, I've personally experienced it, and I know I don't want to be in that shit. But it doesn't look like I have much of a choice do I?

The good news is I'm finally going to become an engineer...I hope.

Aight. Time for more Dota and more sleeeeep!!! Life is GOOOOD!!!

And so I found the balls to do it

Last week, I finally found the guts to walk up to my boss and say "FUCK YOU LAH!".

So I didn't exactly say that. But I managed to nicely tell him that I'm leaving. I explained to him that I have a dream to chase...and that dream is to become an engineer. Of course that wasn't the whole truth, but it was enough truth. The whole truth is, I'm sick of all of this shit. Feddup!

He was shocked. I was scared shit. Then I started feeling really bad when he didn't get angry about it. I felt bad that he waited quite a while for me to come home and start a business with him. I felt bad that I'm ditching him to handle a business which he doesn't quite understand. But I know this man. He shakes your hand in front of you, and points a gun when he's behind. Realizing this, I didn't feel so bad anymore.

For most of the past 7 months, I've been left to handle this business all alone, only getting help or intervention from him as and when he fancies. Everything that doesn't go right is my burden to take, anything that goes well is his glory and wealth to take. Well, I get a portion of the wealth too, it's just not proportional to the amount of shit I have to take. But that's life innit? You work for a boss, you get paid like you're working for a boss. Until you're really really the boss, you don't get paid like the boss.

I'm sick of having to be responsible for everything, and held accountable for everything when I'm most of the time left without enough authority to do anything about it. I have to answer to clients, suppliers and staff when I'm no position to give an answer. Keeping quiet isn't an option either.

I'm sick of working with the boss who doesn't understand much about the business, leaving me to do the brainwork, and him making the decisions which I have to be responsible for at the end of the day.

I have to increase or decrease manpower on his demand. That makes me the dickhead who spends endless hours interviewing people, and just when we get the right candidate for the right price, he changes his mind..."Fire the fella. You pull the trigger".

Like I said before, I'm the directed director. I have no real power to set the directions. The real director isn't doing much to set a direction. I come to work lost everyday...for the past few months at least.

As for the other half of the truth, I really do want to go back in engineering. I have a dream (scoff at me if you want to). I'm young and qualified. Should I not chase it now, in a few years time, I'd be considered old and qualified, which is pretty useless. I've worked hard enough to complete my education. There really is no point in spending so much time, energy and money into obtaining something which will never be used. It's time to give the last 5 years of invested effort the mileage it deserves.

I'm still yet to find another job tho. I was thinking of taking a long break...something like a 100 days of just fucking around before getting another job.

The problem with life is, it goes on. What do you do when you reach a point that you're just so sick of it? For a fortunate few, they have the luxury of fucking all when they just had too much. I hope to be one of these people soon.

I've been thinking about it for quite a bit.

To leave, or not to leave...my job that is. It's even more difficult than leaving a relationship. There's loads of money involved here.

I'm sick, tired and fed up of all the shit that I have to go through everyday. My body feels like it's gonna fall apart. I have no peace of mind. I have no energy left.

BUT...there's a lot of money involved here...enough money to pay off 90% of my study loans. I leave, I won't get it. I stay, I get it, and will have to spend the next year going through the same shit again.

Why another year? Because I have a boss. A boss who perceives every single cent that belongs to the company to be his own. Therefore, taking any of this money even if it's due, would mean I've taken his money, and therefore I either owe him that money, or what he perceives to be an equal amount of effort. You don't know my boss, unless you happen to be another member of the company I slave for.

I'll say it clear. He ain't clean. (like all businessmen...myself included). I'm his accomplice. I've spent a great deal of time and effort (and brilliance perhaps) in helping him execute his dirty master plans. I dare say, (1) he wouldn't have been able to achieve a lot without me and (2) I've helped him earn his millions in many more ways than one. I don't get a share of the millions. I don't get any appreciation for it. I didn't do it for charity either.

The point is, he's a dirty man. And he's the boss. Leaving this company isn't going to be as easy as turning in a letter. Of course, I'll have to either sell my shares off (highly unlikely) or surrender them to him (very likely). Beyond that, fuck knows what he's gonna put into the picture. I'll lose my portion of profit, a sum which I'm willing to sacrifice if it means I'll be able to get out of here, and move on.

I'm a young man. I need to start loading up on relevant work experience before it's too late. Even if it means I have to earn less, because where engineering is concerned, seriously, I'm worth squat. I've got the paper(s), the one which says first class honours. I have the list that indicates that I'm one of the top 6 students in my course. My argument stands. I ain't gonna be able to demand for shit just because I have proven myself academically. No experience = low income = buying experience for a brighter future. Sounds like a plan to me.

I'm comfortable with my income right now. The past 7 months have been a period in my life where my financial problems are the least of my concerns. Leaving this job would mean going back to a poor man's life which I fucking can't afford now. It will though, address my biggest concerns right now - my mental and physical health. I've been on so much sleeping pills for the past few months that the pills just don't work anymore. Diazepam has lost it's therapeutic effects on me. I wake up with bad headaches every morning. I have work dreams at least 5 times a week.

No money but healthy...or healthier at least.
No health, but got money.
I've tried both. I prefer the former.

I think I'll just leave.
I know this one fucking cliche but dudes, it's not how many years you have in your life that counts, but the life in your years.
Now, I have to start thinking about what I'm going to do with my life after leaving this shithole.

I'm just so pissed off today. Gotta whine.

It's good that not many people read my shit anymore. I only know 2 people who still reads this shit. If you're one of them, thank you for reading my shit. Because there are only so few people who want to read my shit, it makes it easier for me to whine and bitch about everyone and everything and tell all the stories that I want to tell because no one's gonna find out. I could talk about drug abuse...how I consume 50mg of diazepam a day because it feels like fun and the authorities aren't going to do shit about it because no one's gonna know.

So here's to some freedom of speech.

You can say I'm bitter. Plain jealous perhaps. But I think it's really not fair that some people I know are having a better life than I do, and taking credit for everything they have.

I have the highest monthly income among my friends now. It's a good thing no? Well, it's not. I barely get any off days. I work the weekends. I work long hours everyday. I have no annual bonuses (some of you might think that's cool cos I get dividends. Let's just say I'd rather get annual bonuses). I only get the minimum 12% of EPF from my company while many of my friends get more than that. The amount of hours I put in to work is most of the time not proportional to what I earn. Well, this year, it had fucking better be. But that's not my point today.

It really fucking pisses me off when someone tells me how hard he's worked to be where he is and how he's managed to own a house and a car and the whole fucking world and that he's only 26. And take glory for having made himself.

Let's take this above mentioned person for example. He may be the owner the fucking house, but he didn't put the fucking down-payment on it, at least not all of it. Neither did he buy all the fucking furniture in the house. And neither did he pay for the renovation and all that shit. Don't tell me "I just bought a fridge"...cos you fucking didn't. Your mom did. Just because she lives 100 miles away, doesn't mean you own all you have in your little inventory.

Don't take credit if it ain't due.

I ain't stupid. I earn more money than this person does. There is no way this dude can afford to put down-payment for a house, down-payment for a car, service both the loan repayments, pay all the bills, maintain the car, buy the fridge, the washing machine, the dryer, tv, couch, dvd player, remote controlled ceiling fan and still afford a 10 day holiday in Europe...in 1 year.

And this dude...tells me about how much he fucking has and then behaves as though he's been short changed.

The swine even complains about how he ain't paid enough at work and demands for a ridiculous raise, and complains about not getting it. Well, let's be fair. Perhaps that's all you're fucking worth. If you were worth more, then tender the fucking resignation, and see what the counter offer is. Or just go apply for another job that can pay you better if you think you fucking deserve more. Sometimes, people just don't bother to sit back and think about what's so special about themselves that entitles them the God given right to have more.

I've interviewed over 50 different people over a period of 3 months. There were cunts, fresh grads, putting dumbass first class certificates on the desk, demanding for 2500 bucks a month.

And I asked, "Why do you think you deserve 2500 bucks month?".
Dumbass answer is "Cos I'm a top student, it's the standard university graduate salary and I'm willing to learn and work hard".
"But you don't have any prior work experience, and you don't know Flash, or Flex, or Java, which is clearly stated on the job ad", I normally answer.
"But I'm willing to learn and work hard!", they always say.
And I always also say "You're telling me I should pay you that much cos you're willing to learn? I can fucking pay a donkey a fraction of that price and that donkey would also be willing to learn! I don't fucking pay you that kind of money just because of your glorious cert, to come here and learn! I fucking pay for the job to be done! You want to learn, fucking go back to school, and pay to learn! You don't fucking get paid to learn! And fuck knows if you can even learn and contribute back to the company! How's about 1800 bucks?"
The usual reply is, "1900 can?"

Of course, I say it in the nicest of ways. I ain't that rude.

That's the problem with people these days. They just think that they're worth too much.

I know, I complain about my job all the time. But I acknowledge the fact that this is all I'm worth right now, and there's no where else I can earn more money. So I don't go around talking about how much more I should be paid. I just talk about how much less I'd rather be paid, so that I can fucking get a bit more rest.

Anyways, back to this swine. Dude is just one helluva proud dude for having "made himself". Dude, if you're reading this, you didn't fucking have to pay for anything your whole fucking life while you weren't working. Your education came for free. Your clothes were all free. Your food were all free. Your toys were all fucking free. They were all fucking free till the day you started working. And the day you started working, you still got a lot of shit for fucking free. Your parents still feed you in ways you might not want to acknowledge. Your parents still have income, and you have to support neither of them, nor pay for anything that they use.

Dude, if you are reading this, I earn more money than you, I have less than you, and I'm more grateful for it...not because I can't "make myself" they way you did. I have 2 bankrupt parents. I have 2 education loans to pay for. I have bills to pay for. I have to pay for things my parents use. My education didn't come for fucking free. I spent almost 70 thousand bucks for my education. My fucking own money. Well, I mean, of which about 50 thousand is still debt. The point is, be grateful for what you fucking have. You're not paid below market rates, because your market value is only fucking there. If you think you're so fucking good, go start your own business, and earn what you think you deserve to earn. Give yourself the raise you wanna give yourself. Perhaps the reason why you feel you haven't had enough, is because you haven't been put to work hard enough to earn your own shit.

I have one dude in my office. His dad is a gardener earning 1600 bucks a month, and he's got 5 younger siblings. Dude had to do dumbass jobs like work at the petrol station in the small town he lives in to help keep both himself and his family alive and at the same time work out his education. Dude now lives in a tiny lil low cost flat, eats instant noodles and roti canai to save money, has to pay for his edu loans, sends money back home to keep his 5 younger siblings from dying and works like fucking dog for not more than 2000 bucks a month. Dude bought a motorbike, and was so fucking proud of being able to buy that fucking bike. That my friend, is what I call respectable. That's what I call making yourself. Seriously, you ain't made yourself, if you made it with a bigass kick start from your parents. You make yourself, when you make yourself from scratch.

Saturday evening, Still abusing diazepam.

I had on offer last week, by someone whom I had recently met. Make that an offer and an invitation. This not so young but gorgeous lady whom I got to know while at work, suddenly invites me to join her for a holiday in Yogya. There was no hanky panky before this (not that there is any yet). I didn't call her, nor text her, nor did I take her out on dates or any of that shit. We only saw each other twice a week when I'd swing by her office to do design reviews. So it was quite shocking that someone that hot, whom is 10 years older than I am, would suddenly ask me out for a vacation.

Of course, she asked me to bring some friends along. No one seems to want to join me for it, except Chi. We got our tickets booked. Then it started to make me wonder. Is this woman just making use of me? Well, if it involves good sex, why not? Sometimes we gotta ask ourselves who is using who.

And then comes the offer. She knows I'm hooked to diazepam. For obvious reasons, I don't have a very good supply of this drug. And now I hear from her that she's able to get Hoffman La-Roche's version of it, called Valium, which comes in dosages of 10mg (as opposed to the 5mg ones I'm currently taking) in bulks of 1000 pills for RM73. Because she knows I'm going to abuse it further if I get such a big bulk, she's decided that I'll have to sit down with her for counselling sessions if I'm going to get any at all. Sounds a bit all too good to me.

That's the only perk I'm getting out of work so far...the fact that I meet women (thankfully some are good looking) and that I'm lucky enough to get it on with them (yes, there has been scandal before). I wouldn't be having much of a love life or a sex life or even any form of life at all with shitloads of work I'm put up with that never seems to lessen.

So why diazepam?

It's one thing when your nightmares become realities, and it's really quite another thing when your realities become nightmares...night after night after night. For the past few weeks, I've barely been able to sleep without dreaming that I'm at work...doing the same old shit that I've been doing throughout the day. I wake up in the morning feeling like I just had a 24 hour work shift. Imagine going through that a few days in a row.

My doctor tells me that diazepam cuts down neurologic activity, which means you don't think too much. At times, it makes you quite stupid. I've personally experienced moments when I'm on this shit during working hours when I can't tell the difference between synonyms and antonyms. I've said stupid shit like "Ok, I shall work on a quotation for you based on 7 days leasing and another for rental. OH WAIT! I mean buying and purchasing. OH SHIT! No...I mean 1 quote for purchase and another for leasing". I normally have one before I sleep on nights when I'm really stressed out with the hope of preventing work related dreams from forming while I sleep.

I know. I was suppose to leave this job. But I didn't, or more like didn't bother trying after the cigarette company tells me that I'm not invited for an interview despite having passed their assessment test. There is no place I can go to right now which can afford to give me the income I'm getting right now. Another way to put it is, there is no place which I'm qualified enough to go to right now which can offer me what I'm getting. I'm not greedy. I wouldn't mind a job that pays less in return for a simpler, less hectic life. The problem is, that's not something I can afford right now.

My two parents hardly have any income. I've got a total of 760 bucks worth of study loans to pay for every month. I have a "parents fee" of about 400 bucks. I have bills to pay. I have car that's ever in need of repair and quite sadly, I can't afford to buy another car right now. I have personal debt which thankfully, my debtors are not on my heels for repayment. I give 10% of what I earn to church (again, I have to stress that the church does not demand that I do so. I've made a commitment to God, and I'm not about to fuck that commitment and hope to get away with it).

So for now, I'll just abuse diazepam, or valium, which is coming at a really cheap price.

I'm still a Director, but not a dumbass

A while back, I decided to leave this company for the cigarette job. Despite passing their assessment shit, I wasn't invited for an interview. I'm not too sure why, and I really don't give a fuck anymore.

So I'm still here...the director who takes directions from his boss and clients.

The title "director" is probably the most dumbass of titles around. All you have to do is own a company...or a part of it, doesn't matter how big or tiny, and that makes you a director, MD, CEO, UFO...whatever the fuck you wanna call yourself.

And then comes the second most dumbass title, "manager". Every fucking tom, dick and harry and not so hairy is a fucking manager these days. Fresh grads come out from university to immediately become a manager. If it's not a manager, then it's management trainee, which also means, manager.

The third most dumbass title is executive. If you're not a director or a manager, then you'd be an executive. It's as low as it gets. My office boy's name card states that he's a "Field Executive". (Just for the record, I wasn't the dumbass who came up with that title)

Most people think a great deal of themselves just because they are a director of a certain sort...Account Director, Communications Director, Event Director, Design Director. And then comes the biggest director title of them all...the one with both the most dumbass titles put together ==> Managing Director or Executive Director. Believe me, a lot of these people with these big dumbass titles are equally as big a dumbass as their titles suggest.

I've met a lot of these dumbasses over the past 2 years. A great deal of them are so fucking incompetent, it's just shocking. But still, they think a great deal of themselves...cos they got the dumbass title.

Sometimes I wish people could go on with their jobs without titles. What's wrong with having a name card that's just that... a card with your name on it...no titles? The guy that cuts my grass has a name card just like that. And he's the boss of his little enterprise. I don't see on his name card, "Siva, CEO".

I'm embarrassed to admit, that I have a name card that really makes me look like a dumbass.